Resources: Understanding Attachment
Attachment influences how we show up in relationships—how we connect, communicate, and cope when we feel hurt or distant. Learning about how attachment influences our relationships can be incredibly healing, helping us make sense of long-standing patterns and move toward more secure, fulfilling connections.
But not all attachment resources are created equal. Some popular books and articles can feel overly clinical or focused on “fixing” what’s wrong. I believe attachment work should be grounded in compassion and understanding—seeing our patterns not as flaws, but as adaptations that once kept us safe.
In this post, I’ve gathered some of my favourite strength-based resources to help you explore attachment in a gentle, empowering way.
I have tried to pull from various mediums as I know we don’t all consume content in the same way. Hopefully below you might find something that feels supportive to you in understanding attachment or deepening your understanding.
I remember the first self-help book I read that applied attachment theory to adult relationships was called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A. Though it was fascinating and introduced me to a psychological concept I’d never heard of before, something about it rubbed me the wrong way.
When I read The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller, PhD I realized what I had been missing from Attached. It was compassion - for everyone - and hope. I think Heller does an amazing job of not only providing a thorough overview of attachment and can help you understand what your attachment adaptations might be, but she does so in a way that leaves you feeling empowered.
Although there countless wonderful blogs out there, this has been one of my favourites. The author, Elizabeth Gillette, LCSW, is well-versed in attachment theory and writes with compassion and clarity. If you’re someone who enjoys blogs, you might find it worthwhile to peruse hers. However, I’ll link a few to introduce you to some of the various attachment adaptations to get you started:
Everything You Wanted to Know about Your Avoidant Partner (featuring the creator of the Loving Avoidant IG page)
What is Your Attachment Style? Youtube video
If you want a bit of an overview but don’t have time to dig into a book or blow, here is a short video that covers a lot of information in a short amount of time.
Understanding attachment theory and how it applies to adult relationships can be helpful for many. It might even be illuminating. It can also be frustrating, though, because simply understanding what you might be experiencing cognitively or intellectually doesn’t necessarily translate into change. You might think:
Okay, I get it. I understand I have anxious tendencies in relationships. I can see where it stems from. I am trying to change. I am noticing. But I keep falling into the same pattern again and again.
If that resonates, know that you are not alone. These adaptations run deep. You could even see it as the way we are wired. Change is possible, but it often does not happen from insight alone. Despite this, having an understanding of our experience, language to make sense of it, and self-knowledge of our role in our own relational struggles is a huge step. It’s not easy to look inwards at the parts of ourselves that might be causing us or our loved ones pain, but it is a couragous act that is often one of the first of many towards a new kind of love.
